Easy In-Case-of-Emergency iPhone Lockscreens with MemeGenerator

If you get into a horrible, nasty accident doing whatever it is you do, help the police and ambulance crews track down your loved ones. On your phone, go to MemeGenerator.net.  At the top, click on God Tier, Demigod Tier, and so forth until you find an image that matches your incredible sense of style: MemeGenerator.net Click on the image you’d like to caption, and at the top right, there’s a form where you can fill in your own witty gem.  The two edit boxes correspond to the top and bottom of the image.  Below the edit boxes, you should…
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Where I Find Inspiration

If you only look for inspiration in your own field, you’ll never break new ground. Instead, whenever you find something interesting or exciting in any field whatsoever – television, books, art, food, architecture, fashion, business, weather, anything at all – stop to examine it.  What is it that makes you interested?  Why can’t you take your eyes away?  What’s the root quality about that experience that brings joy to your heart? Then ask yourself, “How can I build that into my own work?” I’d like to tell the stories of some of my favorite past inspirations, times when I’ve taken…
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My 6 Rules for Incredible Time Management

I’m always surprised when people say, “I don’t know how you do all that stuff.”  I feel like I hardly do any work at all, honestly – I think I’m the least hard working person of anybody I know.  I just follow six simple rules: Even my mirror self-portraits are incredible. And by that I mean lacking credibility. Rule #1: Decide that you want to be incredible.  If you’re okay with doing an okay job, then you don’t need any time management.  But if you want to have incredible results, you’re going to have to do incredible work.  That doesn’t…
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Why I’m Skipping the Microsoft MVP Summit

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Every year, Microsoft invites thousands of IT professionals to its hometown turf, puts us up in nice hotels, and puts up with us, period.  They conduct sessions led by Microsoft staff who let us in on upcoming stuff, and we complain about all the ways it won’t work.  We throw things, we drink a lot, and somehow Microsoft grits its teeth and keeps bringing us back. Tim, Jeremiah, and Kendra at the MVP Summit Event at Safeco There’s really only four benefits to being an MVP: Free software A cool badge on your bio slide The MVP email distribution list…
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My Home Office Setup – 2012

I’m running out of excuses to produce bad T-SQL: My Home Office Setup We just finished moving up the street in downtown Chicago, and I’ve finally made it: I’ve got the proverbial corner office.  The view north up Michigan Avenue: Heading North That’s Millennium Park, home of the Bean, Buckingham Fountain, and lots of festivals. On the left side, the Art Institute and the Gehry-designed Pritzker Pavilion finish up the park just short of a line of skyscrapers including the Microsoft offices where our local user group meets.  The view east toward Lake Michigan: Beyond My Monitor When I look…
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Join Me In Building a Story

Let me tell you a story. Several years ago, I worked at Southern Wine & Spirits in Florida alongside Ben Block. Ben was a fellow member of the Windows team, and we managed stuff like storage, VMware, SQL, and a bunch of other applications. Ben and I shared the pale, flabby skin that marks so many of us IT geeks. (We both still have it, by the way – this isn’t an inspirational story about getting skinny or tan.) We ate bad food, worked long hours, and sat in office chairs the whole time. Oh, sure, we’d get up every…
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And they wonder why my stuff is negative.

Blog Posts I Couldn’t Develop in 2011

I keep a list of blog post ideas in RememberTheMilk.comin case I run out of ideas.  After piling up dozens of them, I’m giving up and setting some of my favorites free.  If I couldn’t write these in 2011, I’ll probably never get around to it.  If you’re looking for inspiration, here you go: Why Bad People Hate Good DBAs – Developers hate us because we find flaws.  Sysadmins hate us because we identify hardware problems.  Network admins hate us because they can’t blame the database.  Just because people hate you doesn’t mean you’re doing a good job, though. 5…
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PASS Board Brouhaha BS Bulletin

You, dear reader, have a real job that doesn’t afford you the ability to follow this kind of gossip, so lemme bring you up to speed. Dec 28 – Board Election Results Announced The Professional Association for SQL Server held their elections for Board of Directors, the people who shape the direction of the community, SQLSaturdays, and the annual PASS Summit.  Here’s the final tally: Adam Jorgensen – 1,026 Denise McInerney – 990 Rob Farley – 958 Sri Sridharan – 781 Kendal Van Dyke – 762 Geoff Hiten – 526 There were 3 spots open, so Adam, Denise, and Rob…
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Although I'm not sure where my MCM beer opener went.

How to Pass the SQL MCM Exam

The number one question I hear from prospective Microsoft Certified Masters in the Yammer study group is, “How deep do I need to go on each topic?” The MCM is a relatively new certification program (as opposed to the MCITP) so there’s no boot camps or braindumps.  This makes it tough for candidates to feel confident that they know enough to splurge on the written test.  After all, this is a hell of a tough test, and at $500 per take, it’s not cheap either. Or is it? What if, out of paranoia, you spend the next three months of…
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All better-looking than average.

How I Made the #SQLPASS Top 10 Sessions

This is the third year in a row that I’ve made the Top 10 Sessions at the PASS Summit list.  I’m really humbled and honored, and I can only think of one way to respond: with a Top 10 list of my own.  Here’s the Top 5 Reasons I Made the #SQLPASS Top 10 Sessions List: 5. I examined the feedback questions, n0t just the answers. Each year, PASS uses the same set of feedback questions to gather information: How would you rate the speaker’s presentation skills? How would you rate the speaker’s knowledge of the subject? How would you…
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Hi. I’m Brent.

That's me, Brent.

I live in Las Vegas, Nevada. I'm on an epic life quest to have fun and make a difference.

I co-founded Brent Ozar Unlimited to help make your SQL Server go faster. I also maintain sp_Blitz® and the open source First Responder Kit repo.

My current car collection includes a Jaguar XKR-S, Porsche 944 Turbo, Porsche 356 Speedster replica, and a Ferrari 328 GTS.

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