If you get into a horrible, nasty accident doing whatever it is you do, help the police and ambulance crews track down your loved ones.
On your phone, go to MemeGenerator.net. At the top, click on God Tier, Demigod Tier, and so forth until you find an image that matches your incredible sense of style:
MemeGenerator.net
Click on the image you’d like to caption, and at the top right, there’s a form where you can fill in your own witty gem. The two edit boxes correspond to the top and bottom of the image. Below the edit boxes, you should see several country flags for languages, plus a “Generate” link. If you don’t see this, click on the “Read More” link in the meme’s description on the left side – sometimes the site’s a little buggy when the meme has a long description.
Filling in the caption
Click Generate, and you’ll get a new page with your image on it. If you’re using an iPhone, hold your finger down on the image itself for a second or two, and a popup will ask if you want to save or copy the image. Click Save.
Go into your Photos app, then go into Albums, Camera Roll. The meme will be your most recent photo – click on it to view it.
Choosing the Photo
Click the bottom left icon with the square and the arrow coming out of it (forward?) and click Use As Wallpaper. Zoom it out by pinching so that the whole image is displayed, but keep in mind that the slide-to-unlock bar will take up space across the bottom. Click Set, and then touch the power button on your phone to put it to sleep. Hit it again, and the end result is:
I Don't Always Have Emergencies
It’s not perfect, but it’s an easy way to generate an amusing lock screen without busting out the Photoshop – or even using your desktop computer.
If you only look for inspiration in your own field, you’ll never break new ground.
Instead, whenever you find something interesting or exciting in any field whatsoever – television, books, art, food, architecture, fashion, business, weather, anything at all – stop to examine it. What is it that makes you interested? Why can’t you take your eyes away? What’s the root quality about that experience that brings joy to your heart?
Then ask yourself, “How can I build that into my own work?”
I’d like to tell the stories of some of my favorite past inspirations, times when I’ve taken joy and tried to adapt it into my own life.
The Humble Humor of Richard Simmons
There’s nothing funny about exercise – that is, until you watch Richard Simmons at work:
It’s impossible to watch Richard at work without smiling. You just can’t do it. The first time you see one of his videos, you start giggling because it’s all so wrong – his outfit, his hair, his shoes, his body. When he starts talking, you laugh harder.
But when you listen to what he’s really saying, hear his self-deprecating humor, and see the impact he has on other people, you stop laughing at him – and you start smiling with him. He’s completely genuine. He loves what he does, and he’s damn good at it. He embraces the way he looks and uses it to his advantage. I firmly believe that while many people might say they hate Richard Simmons, deep down, they like him too.
When I was working for Quest Software and we were looking for a unique angle for a webcast, we decided I’d impersonate Richard Simmons and talk about “How to Lose Waits Fast.” The title was a pun on SQL Server wait statistics, a performance tuning topic. Stephanie McCulloch, our admin, said she could get me a Richard Simmons costume complete with short shorts and a chest hair wig.
The results are speechless for themselves:
It was an instant smash. People still talk about it in the SQL Server community. A lot of people laughed, and I’m quite sure they were laughing at – not with – me, but it worked. They paid attention and they chatted like crazy in the webcast.
Inspiration is more than just impersonation, but this was an extreme example that makes for a great first step. Find someone who inspires you to pay attention, and decide whether their personality makes a good fit for your own. Sometimes, someone else is a cartoon version of ourselves: Richard Simmons is a cartoon version of me. I’m self-deprecating, out of shape, and obsessed with helping other people in the community improve their lives. I’m nowhere near as good as Richard – but I can take his inspiration, adapt it to myself temporarily, and help move my own work towards his.
The cartoon version only works when it fits your own personality, though. I’m inspired by the kind of entertainment that Gordon Ramsey delivers, but I’m not the kind of guy who can stand in a server room screaming obscenities at people, telling them they’re incompetent. I bet Hell’s Datacenter would make a great webcast, but Gordon Ramsey isn’t a cartoon version of me, so I can’t use inspiration there. (I do love a good rant though.)
The Proud Practice of Ken Block
Race car drivers earn their fame for winning races – unless they’re Ken Block, who become incredibly famous just for his practice videos:
That’s Ken zipping around an airfield showing how he practices for rally car racing. Not how he races – how he practices. He makes car control look absurdly easy until you watch some of the in-car clips carefully and realize that he can’t even see where he’s going. His Subaru is sliding sideways at high speed, and yet he manages to slide it perfectly between barriers, alongside ramps, and around a man riding a Segway.
Just another day at the office for Ken Block.
The rest of us sit slackjawed, dumbfounded at the amount of finesse he displays.
When I watched Ken’s videos, one of the things I noticed was the number of black skidmarks on the track. I paused the video and counted how many times he’d practiced a particular turn – sometimes half a dozen, sometimes a dozen, but rarely more than that. Ken’s first video (and he produced many more) was the result of years of practice, and Ken was rightfully proud of the work he’d put into mastering his car control skills. When faced with a new track, he practiced it a little, but not excessively so.
The more I thought about that, the more it resonated with me. As I build new presentations, I try to strike a balance between rehearsing the bejeezus out of it and maintaining a fresh, upbeat level of excitement. The more I rehearse, the less excited and spontaneous I am. I have to bust my ass learning the art of teaching in general, but I shouldn’t over-rehearse the same session specifically.
The Creative Craft of Jose Andres
Grant Fritchey drinking at e (Yes, they actually encouraged us to drink this way)
Chef José Andrés has hit the big time: he’s opened killer restaurants, beaten an Iron Chef, hosted several of his own TV shows, published books, won awards, you name it. He specializes in my favorite kind of food, molecular gastronomy – or as I like to think of it, stunt cooking.
One of his latest restaurants, é by José Andrés, is hidden away in the back of another restaurant, and it’s a private masterpiece. It has just eight seats, only does two seatings per night, and fills up long in advance. Eater’s article explains the reservation process, and Jose explains:.
“I honestly do believe that restaurants are the entertainment industry of the 21st century, and that going to dinner is like going to see a play or show. The guest in many ways is an actor and the restaurant is the stage.”
Adam Machanic first got me in last year, and last week I had the pleasure of introducing Grant Fritchey, John Mazzolini, and Steve Jones to the fun. As the chefs prepared course after course (23 in all) right in front of us, we marveled at the taste, the wine pairings, and the showmanship. I’m so glad I had the chance to share it with those guys.
As I watched the chefs work, I kept looking around the room and asking myself how I could get my SQL Server health checks to run at this level of excitement. After all, the scene wasn’t really all that different from my typical consulting engagement: eight people sitting around a table, watching someone work as they explain what they’re doing, displaying skills that took over a decade to hone. It sounds pretentious, but how can I push myself to bring that level of entertainment?
Sometimes, inspiration comes in the form of someone amazing that makes me want to raise my game. Other times, well…
My Building Management Company
I recently moved into a new apartment, and what should have been a really enjoyable experience has turned into a constant struggle. This weekend, the last straw hit when the building turned away my furniture delivery. I’d been complaining to the property manager for weeks about the problems, and so this weekend I escalated it to the management company. What I got back was a real gem, including such lines as:
“we have no contractural (sic) obligation to you”
“Perhaps if you are this uncomfortable, you are living in the wrong building.”
“Your slanderous comments and opinion…should be kept to yourself…”
I’m not going to mention the management company’s name or link to ‘em because this post isn’t about bashing anyone. I’d originally written almost all of the post before this weekend’s shenanigans went down, and as I went to publish it, I added this last section on the management company.
They inspire me just as much as Richard Simmons, Ken Block, and Jose Andres: our lives are influenced by not just the positive experiences, but our negative ones as well. As I go through each of these experiences, I challenge myself to deliver the best service I can.
If you want to be inspired to deliver better experiences to your customer, you have to go out and have amazing experiences yourself. It’s not just about enjoying life – it’s about raising your game.
I’m always surprised when people say, “I don’t know how you do all that stuff.” I feel like I hardly do any work at all, honestly – I think I’m the least hard working person of anybody I know. I just follow six simple rules:
Even my mirror self-portraits are incredible. And by that I mean lacking credibility.
Rule #1: Decide that you want to be incredible. If you’re okay with doing an okay job, then you don’t need any time management. But if you want to have incredible results, you’re going to have to do incredible work. That doesn’t mean working long hours – it just means thinking differently about your schedule.
Rule #2: Never budget less than whole-day increments of time. Your life is chock full of things you need to do for your own sake: cooking, eating, washing clothes, talking to your significant other about their day, catching up on email, watching TV, exercising, and sleeping. When you commit to something, budget doing it for the entire day, and you’ll do an incredible job. You’ll grab that piece of work by the horns, wrestle it to the ground, put it on the grill and eat it for lunch. People will remember how you showed that task who’s boss.
Rule #3: Leave one whole day per week to do absolutely nothing. What you call doing nothing, your spouse calls being a good, attentive partner/parent. They have a honey-do list, and you need to do it, or resentment piles up. If you find yourself with nothing to do on that day, surprise your spouse with something, or just veg out and recharge your batteries by doing something unrelated to work. Go read a book, visit a museum, play with your dog. You need to sand off the edges if you want to be a well-rounded individual, and if you work all the time, nobody will want to handle you because all your edges will be sharp.
Rule #4: Leave one more solid day per week to pounce on incredible opportunities – blessings you couldn’t have predicted and can’t imagine skipping. Life rewards those who are flexible and can say “Yes” on short notice. The coolest things aren’t planned in advance.
Rule #5: If the incredible opportunity runs more than a few weeks, it’s work. There’s nothing wrong with work, but it has to fit within the 5 work days, because we have to keep one day per week open for new incredible opportunities. Shoehorn work into your schedule, or quit doing it. Saying no after the opportunity’s in motion is much harder than saying no initially, so that’s why rule #6 might be the most important.
Rule #6: Say no early and forcefully to everything else. When something comes up, immediately do an honest assessment of the number of days per week that it will require work. If it’s a volunteer position, talk to someone else who’s held the role about how much time it took them. Were they doing an incredible job? If not, it’ll probably take you more time to do an incredible job, so double their time estimates. If you can’t do an incredible job, say no, because your life is full of other things that need you to be incredible. The more work you add to your plate, the less incredible you can be at each one.
If you follow those six rules, you’ll find that most of the stuff you’re doing during the week is harmful baggage that’s holding you back from what you really want. Just because you’ve got an opportunity to do something doesn’t mean it’s a blessing: very often it’s a curse.
Update: Mike Fal responds. Mike reacted to this post by explaining how similar rules work for him as a full time DBA.
Every year, Microsoft invites thousands of IT professionals to its hometown turf, puts us up in nice hotels, and puts up with us, period. They conduct sessions led by Microsoft staff who let us in on upcoming stuff, and we complain about all the ways it won’t work. We throw things, we drink a lot, and somehow Microsoft grits its teeth and keeps bringing us back.
Tim, Jeremiah, and Kendra at the MVP Summit Event at Safeco
There’s really only four benefits to being an MVP:
Free software
A cool badge on your bio slide
The MVP email distribution list
The MVP Summit
They’re all cool, but it’s probably the MVP Summit that I value the most – and this year, I’m skipping it. It pains me to write those words, because I’m going to miss shaking hands with many people in the community who I really admire and appreciate.
They’re like my family – except they’re not my family, and that’s where the decisions get tough. This year I’m trying to spend more time at home with the folks I love, and that means doing less travel. I try to only travel one week per month, and I’ve been averaging over that, so I have to make some tough decisions. Between SQLCruise, Connections, paying client trips, and the MVP Summit, I had to cut one event. I’m flying out to Seattle for one day of meetings on Thursday, but then flying back out, so I’ll miss most of the MVPs. And believe me, I will miss them – hopefully I’ll catch some at Connections.
Between SQL Server 2012 coming out and the cool Microsoft guys involved with the event (shout out to Chuck Heinzelman), I bet this is going to be the best MVP Summit yet. Have a wonderful time, everybody!
I live in Chicago with my girlfriend Erika, my dog Ernie, and a whole lot of guilt from my upbringing. I’m overcompensating now and struggling through adulthood.
I co-founded Brent Ozar PLF, a boutique technology consulting firm, and I write most of my tech-related stuff over there. This site is for the things I want to write but you probably don’t want to read. That’s okay. I’ll make it back on volume.
