All year long, I pile up blog post ideas and work through them. Somehow, the vast majority of my ideas are actually April Fool’s Day posts. I can’t possibly write all these, so I’m tossing ’em out in my end-of-year housecleaning. Enjoy.
DBAsOnly.com – a dating site for database administrators. Someone who understands the constant on-call lifestyle. You’ll never have to do tech support for your partner. Use the power of data to find the right match.
Powerless BI – new product for disenfranchised line-level employees that want to correlate metrics to employee dissatisfaction.
DBA Job Candidate Verification Service – For $29, we’ll check your job candidate’s background to see if they’ve ever shrunk a database, dropped a table, or run an UPDATE without a WHERE clause in production.
Actually seen in a data center. I had no idea what to do with this.
DBA in a Can – new product, an air horn that just screams “NO!”
T-SQL Millennial Support – In an effort to appeal to today’s youth, SQL Server will support text slang such as CR8 ┻━┻.
Gaseous State Drive – now, code smells really do.
DMZ – like TMZ, but for sysadmins. Think “Paul Randal and Kimberly Tripp Sex Tape Leaks,” that kind of thing.
Activity Monitor Play-By-Play Plugin – text-to-speech code that gives you a sportscast of your server’s activity. It automatically switches between sports based on your server’s load – a boxing match, soccer, and for the quieter servers, golf.
Books Online Acquires America Online – documentation will henceforth be distributed as free CDs in your favorite magazines. When a new article is published, you’ll get a friendly voice notification.
Database Beauty Products – rub this cream on your cursors and take the years off.
Proper Hard Drive Maintenance – Just as cars need oil changes every 3,000 miles, your hard drives also need oil changes after a certain amount of rotations. Here’s where to check how many rotations your drive has had, and here’s how to open up the hard drives to apply the grease. If you don’t see grease in here, your hard drive has gone too long without maintenance, and it’s time to replace it.
New Brent Ozar Unlimited Headquarters – we’re buying a building and putting our name on it. Given our sense of humor, it would totally be a former Pizza Hut building. (That page has some beautiful examples, just scroll down.)